Where is God When I’m Desperate for Answers

My fingers round into a fist as an iron door clangs shut over the entryway of my heart. The deadline of a prayer request, set only in my subconscious, is here. And God hasn’t showed up. 

I don’t want to steel myself to life, but the ache of waiting and wanting is unbearable. Time’s up. I can’t hope anymore. 

I react like this sometimes when God doesn’t answer a desperate prayer. But I’m not alone in feeling this way. Mary of Bethany has a similar reaction when her brother Lazarus dies. (John 11:1-44)

When Lazarus, Jesus’ friend, is sick, his sisters Martha and Mary send word to Jesus about it. But Jesus doesn’t go to them right away, and Lazarus dies. Finally, four days later, Jesus shows up. 

Upon Jesus’ arrival, Martha goes into the yard to meet him. She offers the only shreds of faith she has left, “I know you could have saved him, Lord.”

But Mary doesn’t even bother greeting him. She stays inside the house.

Maybe she is so full of faith that she doesn’t need to run out to see him. But that’s not the Mary we know. Mary’s actions always speak louder than words. Usually, when Jesus is around, she edges as near to him as possible. 

But this time, she abandons her post. 

Mary, my favorite worshiper in the bible, deserts her cherished spot at Jesus’ feet and lets it ice over after her brother dies.

My guess: she’s done. Her heart is broken. The One she wildly loves and trusts lets her down. He lets her whole family down. And she can’t bear to see His face.

We can love Jesus fiercely and still doubt His faithfulness to us in hard times. 

Mary does. And yet, when all hope is lost, and she doesn’t have the strength to go after Jesus, He comes to her.

 After Martha’s conversation with Jesus, she returns to the house and whispers Jesus’ words to Mary in secret, “Jesus is here, and He’s asking for you.” (John 11:28)

He calls Mary’s name and invites her close.

The thought of Mary’s name on Jesus lips reignites a spark within her heart. I can almost hear the flush of adrenaline hit her body. She jumps up and runs to Him. 

His request to see her doesn’t include a promise to revive her brother, although later He does do that. Rather, His words send a plea from His heart to hers. 

Mary, I see you. I love you; I want you close. I am about to do something amazing for you and I don’t want you to miss it. I know your heart is crushed. Come here let me hold you and show you what my plan has been all along. Let me show you Who I am. And remember this, although the pain is brutal and seems to have no end, I can and will bring life out of death for you. This is Who I am. 

Your resurrection moment is coming too. In a unique way, it will happen. It has to. He promises. Then, when it does, your faith will skyrocket. Your ministry will deepen. And your story will change.

But…

He doesn’t just want to do miracles for you. He wants to connect with you eye to eye. He wants to palm your cheeks in His warm hands and thumb away your liquid drops of pain. If you get close enough, you will see your grief mirrored in ribbons of moisture lining his face too. 

Your broken heart matters to him.  

When He saw her weeping….He was deeply moved… And…Jesus wept.

John 11:32-35

Dear Reader,

Your pain triggers alarms in heaven. Jesus reaches for you in the whisper of a friend, the lyrics of a song, verses in a bible, and the words of this post. His heart is not hardened to your pain in your waiting room. Reservoirs of love overflow from His eyes and traverse His cheeks as He sits next to you.  He leans in, waiting for you to recline onto His chest. When you do, He will prop himself underneath the burden of your pain, and bear it together with you.