When Your Calling Seems Delayed

She is soft spoken and shy. But the words she shared with me that evening effect my life to this day.

In my early twenties, some of my friends flew to other countries to repair schools and staff orphanages. Others drove to Florida to attend ministry school led by two fiery preachers.

I wanted in.

But I was growing roots at home, in Community College.

Back then I’d clearly heard God say, “Go to nursing school.” It was a miracle how the money came in. And it was another miracle I kept consistent with the classes.

Soon I would be a nurse, and I wanted to serve in ministry. Surely, nursing was a skill God could use.

So that night at church I asked God about next steps. At the end of the night, Renee stood at the front with a team of others praying with people. I walked up and asked for prayer.

In my mind I asked God, “What’s the hold up, Lord? You said we are called and chosen. And all my friends seem ready to serve You, but I’m here studying cranial nerves. Could it be that I really am inferior to all my friends, not quite fit to serve in Your Name?”

Renee stood in front of me and reached for my hand. She inhaled a shaky deep breath and spoke quietly with God. It was less than a whisper. But in those first moments I didn’t need to hear the words she shared with Him because I felt His presence. I always felt the presence of God when I was near her. But, let’s face it, words are helpful too.

And what she said next was not what I expected.

“You are like cake batter in a bowl, and God is still adding ingredients. He has a unique calling for you. You are not finished yet.”

Cool, I thought. God is building up my skill set.

According to her I was a raw cake not ready for the oven, and definitely not ready to serve to others in this underbaked form.

But I rationalized, I’m nearly done with nursing school, so I must be close to ready.

That was almost twenty years ago.

After I graduated I started a job in nursing and went back to school. Twice.
Then I had a few kids, stayed home to raise them, and paused my career.
Now I’m sitting on my couch writing a blog post with no job and no ministry. (Well, not the God sized dream/ministry I feel God breathing into my heart.)

I recently began asking the same questions: “What’s the hold up? Am I too broken to serve you?”

When I look around at other moms in ministry, I know I can do what they are doing. In fact I have the same life experience and credentials of one mom I admire. I know, because I read her memoir. So why her instead of me?

Occasionally I allow myself to descend into self-pity, self-doubt, and self-deprecation. The voice in my head says, “Your disposition couldn’t handle the plans God has whispered into your heart. Your quirks would ruin it.”

Thankfully God doesn’t agree. Because sometimes in my mind’s eye I still see God’s big-hairy-dad hand stirring cake batter. He tosses in a few more ingredients and grins. Secret surprises, He says with a wink.

He hasn’t discarded or dismissed me for some insecure reason I concoct in my mind. I’m still a work in progress. This pastry chef image reels me back into trusting him. And peace settles inside my heart again.

So, what do I do now?

I dive in and do the last things He asked of me: raise my girls, and blog my conversations with Him. Also I listen. I listen for His next steps and next turns. Sometimes His suggestions are subtle and sometimes grand . Either way, I keep my ear pressed to His chest, so I can hear His heart for me and for humanity.

And I trust that in due time the calling I feel pulsing deep inside my spirit will walk itself out. Perfectly flavored and perfectly baked. Ready to serve a love-hungry world.