Motherhood takes. Motherhood drains. Motherhood confuses.
At least for me it does.
I clench my now empty fiesta party plate in my hand as 90’s hip hop bumps in the background. Mexican perforated paper banners dangle overhead. And my tall gorgeous friend talks about love, loss, motherhood, and finding her dream man. While her story crescendos into hope, my heart curdles and weeps with the whey of disappointment.
I’m not completely depressed or unhappy with my life. It’s just the motherhood compartment is a freaking den of chaos and mind tricks right now. I cant faith my way into thankfulness anymore.
“What about you?” she asks. “How’s life?”
“Well, it’s not what I imagined. And not what I planned. I hope I make it.”
Later that night other friends asked about my life and the same answers tumbled out. I wasn’t going to placate my pain with scripture verses or fake statements of hope. I had no fight left in me.
So, I just got honest. Out loud. To witnesses.
“4-8 pm is my personal Purgatory.”
“I used to receive respect when I worked outside my home. But now each little person in my life is as demanding as an entitled child king.”
“The parental gymnastics I performed to get my child to finally write her times tables last week is unsustainable.”
In my heart I turned to God, should I just be quiet and keep this all in? Am I being too dramatic?
Silence. But I sensed Him near.
I was with mature people whom I loved and who loved me. It probably wouldn’t have been appropriate at a New Mother’s tea, but here, I had room.
As I was honest about the current state of my life, I stood eye to eye with the grief of it. The Lord stood next to me. He was silent. He just stood. And it was okay.
I wasn’t condemned for feeling this way and I wasn’t nudged to fight it with bible verses. I was free to stand within the utter pain of motherhood. And grieve.
Throughout the evening I listened to stories from other moms too. “God told me, my husband will never understand what I do everyday, but God sees me.”
My single friends shared the pros and cons of single life. “Sunday afternoons are the worst. The loneliest. I usually just go to bed early.”
As I let my heart grieve the pain of motherhood something sweet surfaced. I started to miss all those rascals. 250 miles away and one sleep over later, the treasure of family rose to the top.
Family Culture
When husband and I married 6 years ago our family culture conceived. Outsiders don’t get it; insiders take it for granted. But here, inside the culture hub of our family, we are wanted and we are missed.
And it’s not because of all the works I perform inside the home each day. I am wanted for the unique brand of love I live out inside the pressure cooker of our family unit.
In the end I was thankful. Yet, I hadn’t once condemned myself for feeling overwhelmed or resentful. And I never let denial tempt me to smear a verse on my pain. I looked at those feelings head on and let myself feel them. God was at that party listening to every tear choked word I shared with my circle of friends.
And His wisdom took all the stories from the evening and put them in perspective.
Dear Overwhelmed Momma,
Are you grieving inside your motherhood? Do you feel alone and unappreciated? Do you feel like you can’t go on?
I’ve been there and I’ll probably be there again within a few hours. Don’t beat yourself up. And don’t placate your pain with a few verses. Acknowledge it. Feel through it.
It’s likely you are reading this from inside your pressure cooker called family right now, and not at a party with a conveniently organized friend circle.
So here’s a few other options for acknowledging your pain:
- Call a mature friend and share your heart.
- Journal.
- Find a solitary place (ie bathroom, closet, or take the kids for a ride) and open your honest heart out before God.
God is your Friend circle. Right here, right now. (Proverbs 18:24; Isaiah 41:8; James 2:23)
Pour your pain out before God. Let Him sort it out and breath the words you need into you.
At the very moment I called out to you, you answered me!
You strengthened me deep within my soul
and breathed fresh courage into me….For though you are lofty and exalted,
you stoop to embrace the lowly.
Yet you keep your distance from those filled with pride.
Psalm 138 3,6 (TPT)
Thank you for making allowance for yourself and others to feel deeply and authentically. As a mother who is on the other side of these intensities I can say with confidence He is near to those who are broken and contrite. It gets better, I promise and eventually the lid comes off that pressure cooker and let’s the steam out. I love you.
We all need permission to “get real” sometimes, right? Us moms are trying so hard to keep it all together, when what we really need is to let it out. So good to know the road opens up ahead. You were a forerunner for me in this mom thing 🙂
Raw honesty is good for you Tara. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I remember it well. No one can be happy and fulfilled all the time. Stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world! It is the highest calling and not everyone can do it because of financial issues or just feels too trapped with it all or just feels obligated to “use the hard earned education”. In any case you have chosen well! I’m so glad you can see the need to “vent and not feel guilty “.
Moms everywhere can feel validated when the ‘Baby Whisperer’ says, “its the hardest job ever.” Thanks for the encouragement from a true veteran.