Love Isn’t Ashamed of You

In the summer of 1998, Jesus climbed down into my darkness and invited me into His family. The initial changes in my life were quick and dramatic.

But then I spent the next 10 years trying to convince God that I was worthy of the choice He made when He picked me. So, my life was a full-court-press of prayer, fasting and calculating my actions. I tried to obey His voice at every turn.

Then it happened.

The Christian image I built of myself crumbles to rubble at my feet. My sin is obvious. I feel utterly exposed and utterly ashamed.

As my belly grows, I joke with co-workers, “Well, now I know how babies are made.”

But inside, my heart is as raw as rug burn. How could You let this happen, God?  I’d did everything I knew how. “Why, God. Why?”

My bad choices repeat in my mind over and over like late night reruns. Self-hate and shame cling to me like wet garbage.

I stop going to my regular church. Because, if the rest of the church is anything like me, they’ll give me ‘the look’. Lips pressed together in a straight line, head tilted slightly, eyes peering across the room toward me saying, poor her, she really blew it. I guess she wasn’t really committed to God after all.

I couldn’t bear it.

A Different Look

One day during that time, I’m waddling down the stairs in my apartment. I have nothing in my hand to hold up and say, “Look God, aren’t you proud of me?”

But God has something to say, “My love never left you. I am still here, and you are still as lovable as ever.”

That was it. The down and dirty, gorgeous love of God. It just always exists. And it never quits on us.

He wasn’t wagging a gnarly finger at something to blame for my situation. He was in my situation. He wasn’t afraid that my sin would scuff up His shiny reputation. Love is His reputation.

He met me on those steps. Actually, He was with me in all my steps. But that day on the staircase, I experienced true Love. Again.

Experiencing His love that day renewed hope that maybe I could still have a future I was proud of. I was worth another chance. It wasn’t just ‘another chance’, though. That would suggest there was a break in His constancy to me. I was worth it. Still. His love never slumped or stuttered. It was as constant and full as ever.

Experiencing Love

We desperately need to experience that Love. Others desperately need it too. The simple Love that reaches us wherever we are, doing whatever we are doing. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

Love doesn’t narrow His eyes in a cold stare when we make a bad choice. He doesn’t cross his arms and glare when we struggle with drinking or pills. Our confusing and painful diagnosis isn’t the label that defines us. He doesn’t quit on us.

Loved is our identity.

Darkness and light are all the same to Him. He is still here. He is in every step with you loving you fully, and unashamed.

Even the darkness hides nothing from you, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to you. Psalm 139:12