As I slide the toy basket over to vacuum underneath, a few poppy-seed-sized gnats flitter above the Barbies and stuffed bunnies. Right then I know. Somewhere among all the plush and plastic critters food decays in silence.
I dust, vacuum and organize the rest of the room saving this basket for last. One by one I remove each toy. Then my fingers squish into its rotten brown flesh. I feel it before I see it because it’s camouflaged next to a cocoa colored teddy bear.
My heart often resembles my girls’ toy room. I don’t notice the rotten areas, until something stirs it up. Then I’m totally grossed out.
Maybe there is an easy fix for some dark parts of our hearts. Honestly, I can’t recall any heart work as easy as scooping up the remains of a rotten apple.
At times our exposed heart feels like death. We smell the decay and hear skeletons rattling inside our soul. Hopelessness tempts us to believe our hearts will never change.
We are overwhelmed and don’t know where to begin.
Sometimes God allows the enemy to sift out our hearts through tests or triggers. It’s devastating to see the rotten apples burrowing within.
Peter had a dramatic heart sifting experience. His self-proclaimed loyalty to Jesus was tested and failed. Self-preservation rose to the surface as he was sifted. He betrayed his Best Friend right in front of His face. (Luke 22:57,58,60)
The Regret
On the night of Jesus’s arrest, authorities lead Him through the city to the high priest’s house. Peter follows close behind, keeping Jesus in view. The city buzzes with the news.
Three times that night, different people ask Peter if he knows Jesus. He disowns him every time. After the third time the famous rooster crows heralding the final betrayal.
Jesus is within earshot and He turns back and looks at Peter.
To me, in this scene, time freezes. Everyone in the scene fades to grey. Just Jesus and Peter remain. As their gazes meet I hear the seismic crushing of two hearts.
Then Jesus slowly turns again looking ahead as his abusers lead him on.
The sounds and colors around Peter flood back into focus. Intense pain squeezes his chest. His lungs cease to breathe. He runs out of the courtyard finally releasing uncontrollable sobs outside the gates. Grief wails from his heart and through his tears.
The Next Three Days
I can’t imagine what the days after the denial were like for Peter. But I know what it feels like for hidden parts of my heart to be exposed. It must have been sorrow stacked upon unbearable grief.
I wonder if he considered offing himself like Judas did for a similar betrayal. Maybe he entertained a thought or two. But more likely He was thinking about Jesus.
It was Peter’s habit to follow and focus on Jesus.
Peter was the first and only disciple to jump out of the boat and walk to Jesus on the water. He was one of only three friends to witness the brief and glorious transfiguration of Jesus. He was one of three people to follow Jesus as He was led away after being arrested in the garden.
(Matthew 14:29, Matthew 17:2; John 18:15;Mark 14:51)
However, he failed his Friend while he followed Him on that fateful night. And even though his betrayal slammed him into the realization that he was not the faithful friend he thought he was, at some point his thoughts must have traced back to Jesus’s warning from hours earlier.
“Then Jesus told them, this very night you will all fall away on account of me, …But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.” (Matthew 26:31-32 )
Even you, Peter. You will deny me three times. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.(Luke 22:32,34)
Eventually it started coming together for Peter.
Jesus predicted He would blow it. And he did.
On the other hand if He rose from the dead like He said, although it sounded crazy, there might be more for Peter beyond this horrible guilt. Even if he didn’t fully understand how Jesus would do it.
Still, this was the darkest time in Peter’s life so far. Unbearable guilt warred within him; it struggled to suffocate his faith. Yet the words and prayer of Jesus fought back. They stirred up in him a hint of hope that Jesus would rise from the dead and reunite with Peter.
Peter needed the resurrection to happen. He needed to see Jesus on the other side.
It was his only chance.
When we discover we are not the person we thought we were, resurrection is our only hope too.
The only way through this is trusting in His resurrection power.
Sunday is Certain
Right now, one difference exists between us and Peter. While we wait for the Resurrection in a dead piece of our hearts, Jesus is right here.
His resurrection already happened. He waits with us to perform the same miracle in us. This darkness is not the end of us.
The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent. (Psalm 34:18 AMPC)
Jesus, this is ugly and it hurts. I’m not sure why we had to stir this ugliness up in me, but I trust you. I know my death aromas don’t repulse you. You right here in the darkness with me. You purposely expose the darkness so you can bring life. I lean into You and wait to witness the resurrection in my heart.
Tara, you are so good at analogies and so spot on.
It goes right along with our couples devotional this morning. Exposing the hidden sins, allowing the dirty/ugly to surface so it can be washed clean by the blood of Jesus. And He knew all along. What amazing grace!
Its comforting when God pops up the same message in different places, even if the message makes us uncomfortable. At least we know we are tracking with Him and He’s working something favorable out of it all. Love ya!
Amazing Tara! No words just amazing! That’s the GOOD NEWS right there!
The Good News seeps into every dark and dirty place. So thankful for that.
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