How to be a Peacemaker in Your Marriage

In relationships, war exists and so does peace.

In Love and War

In love relationships we disagree. Maybe it’s the way he drives. Or her political views. Maybe its that thing he does over and over, even when you’ve asked him not to, like socks on the floor, or dishes left out on top of the dishwasher.

Left unforgiven, frustration becomes a rolling boil under the surface of your smile.

Maybe its worse than socks. Much worse. And it plays on repeat inside your memory like the sound of an off key violin, screaming through your auditory cortex.

One day you can’t take it anymore. Something minor triggers it. The mounting pressure overrides the release valve, and you spill it out all over your home.

A Fight

As my whining morphs into shouting, our fight escalates. I read him the list from top to bottom. The list I’ve compiled since “I do”.

He reads his.

The room is electric with accusations.

I can’t stop myself from spitting them into the air. I reword them and repeat them to get my point across.

I am right. We both tell ourselves. And I see a wall of ice building between us. He backs up behind the wall, shielding his masculinity. Guarding his humanness.

I picture myself reaching through, my fingers searching for connection wires to his heart.

“Can’t you hear me?” I scream.

But my open hand smashes into the ice wall curling into a fist. His hands are up as if he is under arrest. Yet he’s stepping back and away from me. I can’t reach him.

I crack the foundations of our marriage in a moment, and the house is shifting under our feet.

The Journal

Later, after tucking the kids in, I click off the light and lay in bed. Alone. Staring at a stripe of moonlight streaking the wall, I try to convince myself I can carry on without connection to him.

But my brain races, replaying the fight. My nerve endings fire aimlessly. Should I get up and clean? workout? call  a friend?

How will this settle down? Can we go back to what it was? I flip over. My eyes search for another moonbeam.

God, can’t you do something? I pray. Please help.

Soon, instead of my thoughts racing past like blurry trees on a highway, I start to see the fight in parts. My valid points need addressing, but my delivery was a mess. I dumped all my grief on him in one ugly “you don’t measure up” statement.

Pushing myself up to sitting, I reach over, and slide a journal off the bedside table. Last Valentine’s Day I started a thankfulness journal. Everyday, for one year, I’m supposed to list things Im thankful for in my husband. Then gift it to him the next Valentine’s Day. I forget to write in it often, but I still had a bunch of entries to pull from.

The Treaty

I write a letter to my husband that night listing things he is great at. Listing things he does for the family that make him invaluable and loved. I give him permission to be himself and screw up. I apologize for stripping his dignity with my words.

I tape the letter to the door so he won’t miss it when he leaves for work..

In the morning, I wake from a pleasant dream. Slowly, reality sprinkles my sleepy state with the truth. We’re in the middle of a ground shaking fight.

However, 60 miles away, my letter, my peace treaty, is clicking our relationship foundations back into place. He feels seen, heard, respected and loved.

In the afternoon he texts me, “Thank you for the beautiful letter. I love you.”

The Evening

In the evening he arrives home a new man. He embraces me like he was waiting all day to wrap himself around me.

The peace treaty ended the war and restored connection between us. He was safe to come out of defense mode.

Preventing a Rematch

The little things that fester in my mind aren’t as important as peace in our home.

Will this matter in the morning, I ask myself?

Forgiving little grievances, and telling him what I value in him brings peace to our marriage. Honoring him rebounds directly into my hands. Honoring him taps into his vulnerability, and he reaches for my heart with the love and affection I crave. He wants to be near.

Big issues still surface and need discussion. We won’t address it perfectly or peacefully every time. But I refuse to let socks and dishes instigate me to haul a basket of insults at him in the process.

Occasionally, I need to return to the thankfulness journal when little annoyances cloud my thinking

Monday October 23

Dishes on the counter above the dishwasher remind me that you are home with us today. I’m thankful that we get to spend the day with our favorite guy, dirty dishes and all.

In the end, the thankfulness journal is more a gift for me than for him.
(Philippians 4:8)

An Assignment for Peace

You are a person of Love and Power. You are a Peacemaker. Consider starting your own thankfulness journal for your partner. Need to write a peace treaty? Don’t wait any longer. You and your relationship are worth it.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:15)